We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
