I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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