the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
