worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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