rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
