i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
