How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
