I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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