hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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