I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
