found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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