HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
