I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
