You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
