if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Shame - the story of my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
