I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
