I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
we're so committed to being not committed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
