I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
