Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
