I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
