Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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