Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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