I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
