Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
