dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
