I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
