this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
