I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
