I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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