I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think i have herpe
just one?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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