I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
