Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
