he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
