Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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