By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Shame - the story of my life.
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