I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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