just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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