I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
