I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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