Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
