u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
