Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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