ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
