so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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