I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
