Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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