your parents love me but you hate me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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