I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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