I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
