Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
