My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
