every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
