Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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