bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
