I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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