Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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