I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
