Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you're hired as official boob wrangler
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
