I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
