the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
