Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
