The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize