Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
